As a mom, that always seems to be holding a kid, you kind of get used to asking people near you to do things like open the door, push the elevator button, pick up the pacifier. I always say please so its not like I’m rude when I ask for help, I’m just a new mom. This morning, I was in the grocery store trying to ring my things up at the counter with my 2 year old in my arms. I drop a can of Campbells soup so I politely ask the man behind me to place it on the counter for me. He sucks his teeth so I turn around to tell him to “You’re an A** Hole!” I then realized both his arms were amputated at the elbow.

I am a big car buff, and I am in love with my neighbor’s new Porche Cayenne. I was looking out of my window and staring at the car in her driveway for like an hour today. She actually made eye contact with me and I shouted to her “That car is so sexy, I wish it were my baby, I wanna take it for a ride!” She shook her head no. Tonight, at dinner, my mom tells me that the neighbor told her I was staring at her and she feels uncomfortable. She told my mom that I said “your sexy baby, I want to take you for a ride.” Not you, the car!

As with the rest of my household, my 5 year old son is learning that when he smells poop, the new baby needs “diaper change” so he runs and gets diapers for us to change her with. My wife and the baby have been at my mom in law’s for a week now, but today, my 5 year old says “daddy diaper change.”  I decided to take a shower, FUM.

I just started babysitting my best friend/sorority sister’s 9 year old son for the weekend.  He fell down and started crying, so naturally, I rushed over to him, on the carpet to console him, he ripped open my button shirt, grabbed my breast, and fought with me to pull off my bra.  He’s home alone for the weekend now, FUM.