I went on a date with this cute Japanese guy, and I thought it would be fitting for us to go to a Sushi bar in downtown Charlotte. I have never eaten sushi, but I had to invite him to something that I thought he’d be comfy with. We end up having a great time, we’re talking and laughing. Why did I spread Wasabi all over my sushi roll? I bit into it and immidiately felt a burning sensation. I screamed “What the Fu@k!” and started coughing uncontrollably for like 2 minutes, everyone stared at us. My date was so embarassed that he didn’t say anything all night.

On Friday afternoon, after work, a couple of co-workers and myself got together to go grab a bite from the sushi place down the street. As we pulled into the parking lot at the retaurant, this car cuts in front of us to grab the only close available parking space. Me and 2 of my co-workers rolled down the windows and cursed at the driver and flicked him off. The driver and passenger open the car door, and sure enough, it was my boss and the district manager. We sped off, hoping they didn’t notice us. Now, I’m not excited about going in to work tomorrow morning…

So I scam this old lady at my job into giving me an extra $50. Yeah, I know it was wrong, but its a recession and I need money, badly. So, after I scam her I place the $50 under the the register so no one sees. But my guilty conscience is telling me that everyone is watching and everyone sees me scam this lady. Plus, I know that if I slip the $50 into my pocket while I’m there in front of the register the cameras and everyone will notice and I will look suspicious.

So, I try to slip the money into my pocket and the person working the register next to me says “what’s that?” So, I felt guilty and handed it to the manager, telling her that the lady dropped it. The manager said “okay” and placed the bill in her pocket. She straight up took the money, never reported it or anything. I know she did! I would have! I ripped the old lady and the manager ripped me. I felt so dumb for trusting my guilty conscience…

As a mom, that always seems to be holding a kid, you kind of get used to asking people near you to do things like open the door, push the elevator button, pick up the pacifier. I always say please so its not like I’m rude when I ask for help, I’m just a new mom. This morning, I was in the grocery store trying to ring my things up at the counter with my 2 year old in my arms. I drop a can of Campbells soup so I politely ask the man behind me to place it on the counter for me. He sucks his teeth so I turn around to tell him to “You’re an A** Hole!” I then realized both his arms were amputated at the elbow.

Last night, I went to dinner with a few of my friends. The whole night everyone is telling the waiter how god we’re going to tip him, so the waiter actually does a great job. After we finish eating, my buddies all get up to go to the restroom at the same time. I’m thinking, “weird” but okay because we hadn’t paid our bill yet. I sit and wait for about 10 minutes by myself before the waiter tells me that the other gentleman left and said that I would be covering the bill and tip. They ditched me… It came to $84.62 including tax, FUM! I hate my friends.

Yesterday, I was babysitting these children that live on my street. The youngest of the children is 4 yeard old. The others are 6 and 9. Before bed, I said to the 4 year old “Do you got your book?” So I could read to her. She said “Yes, I HAVE my book. I’m 19 and I was grammatically corrected by a 4 year old.

This morning when I got on the plane to head home to St. Louis, I told the flight attendant that I thought I was overweight (referring to my carry-on bag), she looked at me and said “I can see that, If someone misses the flight, I’ll clear 2 seats for you.”

Last night, I went to dinner with my family. We are a pretty big cuban family so whenever we eat out, the bill is usually really high. When I get the bill, it is for 140 bucks. I pay it using my credit card and leave a 0.00 in the tip section. My family and I get up to leave, then the waiter picks up the signed bill. I didn’t want to leave 35 dollar cash tip on the table so I followed the waiter to the “billing area.” As soon as he gets back there I hear him say “I knew those Fu*kin’ Rat Mexicans wouldn’t tip.” Then he turns around with a shocked look on his face and I hand him his $35 cash tip. That was a racist FUM on so many levels, plus I’m Cuban.

My neighbor is a nice old lady, so when she was going out of town for a weekend, I told her I would watch her dog for her. She didn’t give me a pooper scooper so I had to buy one, the dog was lazy, so I bought some treats to make him play in the yard, and the dog wouldn’t eat his food, so I had to buy some more. I ended up spending $55.00 that weekend. When my neighbor returned she paid me a measly $30.00. So I paid $25.00 to watch her dog, FUM.

The last month has been really hard because my boyfriend and I just broke up. I admit, I have been kind of letting myself go. I tried my best to enjoy the last couple days of summer at the pool this past week. I was playing with these little kids and showing them how to do a whip-kick into the water. When I got out the pool, all I heard was “Ewww.” Then this kid tells me that I have a beard in my bathing suit.

I’m in law school and I just got my first exam score back yesterday. Me and my study buddies were all so excited about our scores that we decided to have a night on the town, we went from bar to bar from happy hour to about 3am. When I got back to my apartment, I was so drunk I couldn’t gett off my couch to throw up in the bathroom, so I figured I would just throw up on the floor and clean it up in the morning. This morning I got to see that I threw up on my new $1100 mac book, FUM.

I was at the gym today, bright and early as always. I was on the treadmill when I just felt like everyone was looking at me. I decided to turn up the speed, thinking it would make me look less attractive if I was running hard. Finally, the trainer comes up to me and tells me that as I was running, my chest was distracting his training session and I need to find a sports bra. I guess the sweat on the tight fitting white shirt didn’t help either. I left the gym with my head down and my arms crossed, covering up my chest. That was quite the embarassing FUM.

Last night, I went to dinner with some of my friends at this really nice restaurant. The only thing better than the food in that place was the waitresses, they were all sexy! My waitress was tall, had beautiful skin, and an amazing body! So we talked and flirted all throughout my dinner, and at the end, I asked her for her number so we could hang out; she wrote it on a napkin. Stupidly, before I leave, I wipe my mouth with the napkin and place it in my plate only to remember when I was in the parking lot, that her number was on it. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

This morning (Sunday) I got a voice mail from my boss saying that he was offering me a promotion and he would discuss changes in responsibilities and pay on Monday. I was so elated I decided to celebrate and take my fiance shopping. Because I expected my next pay check to be larger, I spent $400 on her. While we are leaving the mall, my boss calls again, and this time I answer it. He tells me that I have a better and higher position but I shouldn’t expect a pay increase because of recent budget cuts. Since when do you get a promotion without a raise?

I work in this Filenes Basement department store and I was closing up last night, along with 5 other store associates. Typically after closing time, we clean up the store and put things like clothes back where they belong. So naturally, when we closed up I went to my section and started cleaning up. After I finished cleaning I noticed that none of the other employees were anywhere to be found. So, I walked into the lounge area and there they were, all of them, eating pizza and laughing. When they noticed me they just got really quiet and got up and left. They must not like me because that FUM really hurt my feelings, I like pizza too!

I had this date with this sexy girl last night, and  I definitely planned on making it romantic and doing some making out! Me and the girl were to meet at the movies for a 10pm show. Not only does she show up late, but she brings two obnoxious friends with her! I pay for my “date” and refuse to pay for her friends. So to get me back, one of the friends sits between me and ”my date” in the movie, and wont move! Then when I ask “my date” to sit next to me she says “I’m cool.” Since it was raining when we left, they asked me to get MY car and drop them off to THEIR car which was further away, I said sure, and never picked them up. I got a text message like and hour later asking where I was? LMAO! They deserved it!

I passed out on the frat house couch after a party last night, and fell asleep with my mouth open so my frat brothers thought it would be funny to put change in my mouth while I was asleep.  Then one of the guys slapped me in the face while I was still sleeping. I sprung up by reflex and started to choke on a dime, penny and nickel. I spit up the nickel, but swallowed the penny and dime. I just left the hospital, where I have been diagnosed with something called Pica. They think I swallow non-foods for a rush or crave and are placing me in psychotherapy for 8 weeks.

Last night, I was shopping at this mall in Atlanta when this group of hot girls comes up to me and explains that one of their girlfriends wants my number, I asked “Is she cute?” They were like “Are we cute?” and I was thinking hell yeah, so I gave it to them. After that I watched them go to a table in the food court with 3 more girls and a guy. Sure enough, they gave the number to the guy (who had a full beard and perm). He smiled at me and waved. Do they charge for changing your cell number?

Me and my boyfriend were supposed to hang out today, but he told me that he couldn’t because he had to study for a big test comiong up tomorrow. Then, his phone rings and he says “Alright. At the Regal Cinemas downtown, I’ll meet you there.” Nobody studies at the movies! Its bad enough that he lies to me, but his not even discreet about it!

I was at the movies yesterday. All of a sudden, the woman next to me starts laughing uncontrollably and talking to her friend during the movie. This continued throughout the movie, ruining it. I turned and whispered to my friend. The woman then taps me on the shoulder and yells, “Shut the fuck up!” to me! I felt like chris browning as dumb ass!

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