I went on a date with this cute Japanese guy, and I thought it would be fitting for us to go to a Sushi bar in downtown Charlotte. I have never eaten sushi, but I had to invite him to something that I thought he’d be comfy with. We end up having a great time, we’re talking and laughing. Why did I spread Wasabi all over my sushi roll? I bit into it and immidiately felt a burning sensation. I screamed “What the Fu@k!” and started coughing uncontrollably for like 2 minutes, everyone stared at us. My date was so embarassed that he didn’t say anything all night.

You know when you apply for a new job and they ask you how much you expect to make? Well, of course I would totally enjoy making 80,000 dollars a year as a entry level candidate, but I decided to be modest and enter 35,000 dollars. All in all, I just got a phone call that said that I am definitely qualified for the position my my desired salary shows that I lack ambition. FUM!!!!!

On Friday afternoon, after work, a couple of co-workers and myself got together to go grab a bite from the sushi place down the street. As we pulled into the parking lot at the retaurant, this car cuts in front of us to grab the only close available parking space. Me and 2 of my co-workers rolled down the windows and cursed at the driver and flicked him off. The driver and passenger open the car door, and sure enough, it was my boss and the district manager. We sped off, hoping they didn’t notice us. Now, I’m not excited about going in to work tomorrow morning…

This morning, I went to church with my boyfriend and his family. His aunt pulled me aside and warned me not to make-out in public places. She claims to have seen us at the mall food court, kissing and groping eachother yesterday. The problem is, I wasn’t at the mall yesterday, and this is the first time me and my boyfriend are hanging out since last weekend.

So I scam this old lady at my job into giving me an extra $50. Yeah, I know it was wrong, but its a recession and I need money, badly. So, after I scam her I place the $50 under the the register so no one sees. But my guilty conscience is telling me that everyone is watching and everyone sees me scam this lady. Plus, I know that if I slip the $50 into my pocket while I’m there in front of the register the cameras and everyone will notice and I will look suspicious.

So, I try to slip the money into my pocket and the person working the register next to me says “what’s that?” So, I felt guilty and handed it to the manager, telling her that the lady dropped it. The manager said “okay” and placed the bill in her pocket. She straight up took the money, never reported it or anything. I know she did! I would have! I ripped the old lady and the manager ripped me. I felt so dumb for trusting my guilty conscience…

I confess. Yesterday, I scammed an old lady at work. She came up to the register and handed me one of many $50 bills in her wallet before I even rang up her items. As I rung her stuff up, I told her that one of her items did not have a label and she would need to go and get another one. When she came back, I told her that the total was $45.87. Forgetting that she already gave me $50 cash, she reached back into her purse to hand me another $50. I gave her her change, and made out with an extra $50. HAHA, whose bad!

As a mom, that always seems to be holding a kid, you kind of get used to asking people near you to do things like open the door, push the elevator button, pick up the pacifier. I always say please so its not like I’m rude when I ask for help, I’m just a new mom. This morning, I was in the grocery store trying to ring my things up at the counter with my 2 year old in my arms. I drop a can of Campbells soup so I politely ask the man behind me to place it on the counter for me. He sucks his teeth so I turn around to tell him to “You’re an A** Hole!” I then realized both his arms were amputated at the elbow.

So I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds which, when mixed with alcohol, increase its effects. So I pretty much black out every time I party. One night I was at my friends house and she was having a kickback but there was a LOT of booze, and I drank a lot of that booze. So before I know it I’m on the couch having sex with some guy. I had obviously blacked out, and come to right in the middle of sex. I did not plan on having sex that night and I didn’t really want to. So, when I came to, needless to say I was pretty surprised. I actually made him stop and I got up and left the room.

He had a little bit too much to drink that night too, so he heads to the bathroom to puke his guts out, where he stayed the rest of the night. Next moments I remember are making out with some other guy, and then I black out again. When I come to this time I’m on that same couch, fucking the second guy. I make him stop too, and get up and leave the room.

I have no idea where he went, but he left the room so I went back to the couch to go to sleep. What makes it worse was both of them were still at the house in the morning… awkward!!!

I just got my car windows tinted and it cost me a bit. So Im mowing the lawn about a week later and a random ass rock shoots from my lawn mower and cracks my car window. It must have been the only rock ive seen on my lawn. i mean cmon wtf?

I was in the back of my class and had my laptop out. My friend sat beside me and as a joke i pulled out my headphones and started watching a porn. When he saw me do this he busted out laughing and got yelled at by the teacher. Him being an asshole he decided to hit the volume key on my laptop and the moans of carmella bing were heard by everyone in class. I hate my friends.

Few days ago, we decided to drink ourselves to death at our house. It was the last day of finals. Everyone got a case, we agreed to finish the case within 6 hours. Well, one of my friends got way too wasted and his parents came to surprise visit him. They left right away because he was passed out right in from of them. A few hours later, he was trying to go to the bathroom to take a leak but fell down our flight of stairs instead. When we found him, his head was pressed against the wall, his legs were up in the air. He casually turned around, whipped “it” out and proceeded to pissed, as well as all over himself…including his face. I wish I had a video to show you guys, he’ll never live it down. Awesome Fail!!

Inside our frat house, we had a large main room. We decided to put a slip and slide during one of our parties. Girls were getting naked on said “slip and slide.” I decided to execute my impersonation of Rickey Henderson sliding on it, well, I slipped and my head bounced off the ground like a basketball. I don’t remember much after that. I was damn pissed the next day when people told me the party ended after my tragedy. Goddamn pussies, throw me in a closet or something. I single-handedly ended a party by falling on my head on concrete and blacking out. FUM

Yesterday, I was having a cybersex chat with a “girl” on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. It turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy, that is just gay man. FUM

My Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then proceeded to tell me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwhich and didnt even buy me one. Funny dad.

Last night, I went to dinner with a few of my friends. The whole night everyone is telling the waiter how god we’re going to tip him, so the waiter actually does a great job. After we finish eating, my buddies all get up to go to the restroom at the same time. I’m thinking, “weird” but okay because we hadn’t paid our bill yet. I sit and wait for about 10 minutes by myself before the waiter tells me that the other gentleman left and said that I would be covering the bill and tip. They ditched me… It came to $84.62 including tax, FUM! I hate my friends.

Yesterday, I was babysitting these children that live on my street. The youngest of the children is 4 yeard old. The others are 6 and 9. Before bed, I said to the 4 year old “Do you got your book?” So I could read to her. She said “Yes, I HAVE my book. I’m 19 and I was grammatically corrected by a 4 year old.

This morning, I asked my dad for some money to go shopping with. He told me to go into his bed room and grab his wallet from the dresser. Next to his wallet I saw an opened letter with a big cartoon picture of naked people on it. The letter read “Nancy and I REALLY enjoyed you and Allison (my mom) last month, please bring the wife to the house this weekend, 10 couples have already RSVP’d. I’ve heard of this going on im my neighborhood. But never would I have guessed that MY PARENTS are swingers, FUM!

This morning when I got on the plane to head home to St. Louis, I told the flight attendant that I thought I was overweight (referring to my carry-on bag), she looked at me and said “I can see that, If someone misses the flight, I’ll clear 2 seats for you.”

Last night, I went to dinner with my family. We are a pretty big cuban family so whenever we eat out, the bill is usually really high. When I get the bill, it is for 140 bucks. I pay it using my credit card and leave a 0.00 in the tip section. My family and I get up to leave, then the waiter picks up the signed bill. I didn’t want to leave 35 dollar cash tip on the table so I followed the waiter to the “billing area.” As soon as he gets back there I hear him say “I knew those Fu*kin’ Rat Mexicans wouldn’t tip.” Then he turns around with a shocked look on his face and I hand him his $35 cash tip. That was a racist FUM on so many levels, plus I’m Cuban.

My neighbor is a nice old lady, so when she was going out of town for a weekend, I told her I would watch her dog for her. She didn’t give me a pooper scooper so I had to buy one, the dog was lazy, so I bought some treats to make him play in the yard, and the dog wouldn’t eat his food, so I had to buy some more. I ended up spending $55.00 that weekend. When my neighbor returned she paid me a measly $30.00. So I paid $25.00 to watch her dog, FUM.